The Small Troubled World of Ann Randall

by Ann (9-B-1)

As I sit here before my typewriter, I wonder just how it all began. I try to figure out the why and the wherefore of it all. And, it's hard. How do you pin- point the creation of an idea or the beginning of an en- tity? It's not as easy as it seems. Where did it start?

I remember as a child of 9 or 10 looking for an ex- cuse to fondle the garments that I liked so well. The silks, and rayons and satins, the endless varieties of feminine apparel that were quick to excite my youthful imagination.

As a youth I was rather frail, coming down with every childhood disease known. I was allergic and sen- sitive to many things. My younger brother was always more robust and healthy than I. And although I tried very hard, I always had a hard time keeping up with the other kids in my group. So, many times I played jump rope with the girls in my neighborhood.

Whenever I could, I would lock myself in the bath- room, under one pretense or another, and go through the hamper to see what articles of feminine finery I could find and perhaps try on. I would imagine myself a girl who could play with the other girls without shame, and who could challenge the boys in games and not be ashamed of losing-for girls were not supposed to excel.

I was a very bright youngster and studied hard, be- cause here was something that I could do as well, if not better, than most boys. So in this I was superior. However, the feminine side of my psyche had begun to develop. Just why, is probably a combination of some of the factors that I have spoken of in the preceding paragraphs. But, nevertheless it was there and growing. Some times it was so strong that I would pray to God (or the devil if I were really desperate) that I could be changed into the person that I wanted to be.

As my feminine side developed strength, so did my masculine side. And although I was still underweight I began to assert my masculinity in physical objectives.

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